When does it get better?

When does it get better? I smile, even when my insides are screaming. I hear a bang, I freeze, then shed a tear, but hold back the rest. I hold my breath as I walk to my car at night or walk from the subway to my dorm. Even as I am laughing, I wonder when the next “problem” will occur.

I survived a major depression, just to find out more things can happen that hurt more than punishing myself for feeling exhausted and sad. People tell me I’m strong, that they couldn’t handle what has happened, but the truth is either can I. I suffer from PTSD… No, I am surviving PTSD. Yes, there are moments, but I no longer have days of pain.

Today, I drove home through a way I wasn’t too sure where I was, I had a moment. A moment where I nearly stopped breathing and tears were streaming down my face. I had to pull over so that I wouldn’t crash. All of this because I had a flashback to the street I passed, which lead to darker thoughts. As an art therapy major, I have studied many ways to cope and live on. I have a mother, with her own demons, who shows me how to smile, because life can suck, so it’s better to smile as often as possible. Most of the time, I just need to take a deep breath, but today hurt.

Because people tell me I am strong, it is hard to remember; I really am not strong all the time. I have my moments, I have experienced things that most people shouldn’t. When I am getting dressed in the morning, seeing the scars and memories.

Ugh. I am tired of pain. These moments just simple suck. I will no longer allow them to consume me. I’m looking for hope, good company, and adventures. When does it get better? When I stop letting the flashbacks or nightmares win. This all starts with small goals, like journalling, taking photos, talking to a friend, or going for a walk. Only aimming for positive experiences.

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